Trump: “I Didn’t Knock Over Those Jewish Tombstones, I’m The Least Racist Person. Fake News”

0

Trump thought he was taking responsibility for the destruction of 160 graves in a Jewish cemetery in St. Louis. He assumed the question was if he personally went to St. Louis and knocked over 160 tombs.

Trump Now Biggest Private Land Owner In US With Saudi Arabian Loan

0
Republican U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump gives a thumbs up as he speaks at his New York presidential primary night rally in Manhattan, New York, U.S., April 19, 2016. REUTERS/Shannon Stapleton (TPX IMAGES OF THE DAY)

Donald Trump is now the biggest private landowner in the United States after securing a loan from Saudi Arabia. The cost of the deal was not disclosed but experts say it would have to be around $70 billion. A Trump insider said the President expects to make over $200 billion while president, and will not have a problem paying back the generous loan. Our publications constitutional lawyer said it is a legal transaction but will come with some rules and many potential conflicts of interest.

Kellyanne Conway Sues Over Beavis and Butt-Head Picture

2
kellyanne conway as beavis and butt-head

Kellyanne Conway has filed a lawsuit against several media companies over the likeness of a picture showing her next to Beavis from Beavis and Butt-Head, an old MTV show.

Steve Bannon Enters Rehab For Substance Abuse

0
Steve Bannon, head of the news website Breitbart News, was named to the new position of campaign chief executive officer. Bannon, a conservative flamethrower was referred to by ousted Corey Lewandowski as "a street fighter" like himself. The campaign statement announcing the changes touted a Bloomberg Politics article that branded Bannon "the most dangerous political operative in America." REUTERS/Carlo Allegri

A nose the color of Rudolph the reindeer could have been a big hint, but decades of heavy drinking has finally caught up with Trump’s closest advisor and the second most powerful in American politics.

The news shocked Capital Hill with the announcement that Bannon will enter a 30-day rehabilitation center in Malibu, Ca for alcohol and prescription drugs. Trump blames the poorly thought out Muslim ban and two other secret executive orders on Bannon’s addiction.

The nation was relieved to know that the man was pretty fucked up and can only get better from here.

Trump said, “Stevey will back under me in 30 days, maybe even less. And he’ll be ready to make America Great Again!”

Trump Added ‘Laugh Track’ During CIA Speech

0

Trump’s semi-apology to the American intelligence community was many in the audience stunned. Luckily, Trump’s team knew the possible outcome and had a laugh track ready to add to the audio board for the video version. “With the seven-second time delay, we had the had the chance to add laughs when the audience was silent, so our preparation went off without a gasp.”

WhiteHouse.gov Offering Melania’s Jewelry Line 10% Off

0

“It’s a great deal for a great product,” said Trump. “I’m very proud at how easy it is to buy the products from the website. HealthCare.gov wish it was half as good.”

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

Trump: “I Don’t See Why We Can’t Split Europe Down The Middle With Russia”

0

“Russia did a great job controlling Europe in the 1950’s. We could easily do that again,” said Trump. “We will get a great deal out of it. We get the good part of Europe because I’m great at making those deals.”

Russian president Vladimir Putin said he would be open to the deal. “It’s our land and President Trump said he agrees with me, so it’s settled. It’s a done deal now that the monkey Obama is out of power. I’m very happy.”

Trump then backtracked on the comment saying, “I never said Russia can have half of Europe. Never said that. I said we will have the good part. I guess the other half will go to Russia but remember, I never actually said that. But we will have the good part of Europe, believe me.”

These statements have some European countries on edge. German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, “When you vote for a nut job, you get a nut job.”

Obama Pardons 274,157 Prisoners From Guantanamo Bay

0
obama signs refugee bill
Obama signs historic order

“It’s a proud day for America,” said Obama. “I wanted to free these people before the administration takes office and I accomplished that.”

The political move will save the government thousands of dollars per year and also free up soldiers to be deployed to needed areas.

Reports show the prisoner and family members will get a private jet to a country of their choice.

Republicans are angry that many of the prisoners weren’t waterboarded yet for information. “How can they be pardoned if they were never tried in court?”

Republicans Vote To Repeal Martin Luther King Jr. Day

0

martin luther king jr dayWashington D.C. – In a 316-31 vote, the House voted to repeal Martin Luther King Jr. Day at 1:35 am when many Democrats weren’t aware of the vote. Republicans celebrated after the vote with stiff drinks and cigars.

Jeff Sessions: “I’ll Do My Best to Protect Negroes and Fags”

0
jeff sessions

“I’ve met several good Negroes. My best butler ever was a negro,” said Sessions. “But there are a lot of bad negroes in the world and we need to deal with them accordingly. What if they start dating your daughter? Now she has a high chance to be turned into a criminal or even die. So I have to protect those people too as with the good negro.”

Obama: “I Promise To Take A Huge Shit On The White House Bed Before Trump Moves In”

0

obama laughingThis prank has been a tradition on the incoming president from the previous president since Andrew Jackson.

Russians Hack Donald Trump’s Twitter Account

0
Joseph Sohm / Shutterstock.com

Tuesday night, the Twitter handle @theRealDonaldTrump was hacked by Russian authorities. According to Twitter the account was taken for several hours before Trump’s password and account could be taken back. A Russian authority personnel said, “His password was ‘password,’ so it wasn’t very hard to gain access to his account. He’s not a smart man.”

Someone Photocopied Trump’s Journal Listing His Enemies And It’s Even Crazier Than You Think

0
trump hates this picture
(Trump hates SNL))

The Drudge Report was sent a copy of Trump’s handwritten list of enemies. After blasting computers for being unsafe and that “people should use a carrier service,” the delivery guy photocopied the delivery which was composed of his list of ‘enemies’ to watch and questions on what power he will have to arrest and “perhaps kill the fuckers” on the list.

Trump Picks Jack Abramoff To Head Ethics Committee

0

“Jack knows more about ethics than anyone I know,” said Trump. “His experience will be crucial so congress will know how to get away with things and how to deal with it if someone is stupid enough to get caught.”

‘Hollyweed’ Artist Placed On FBI Top 10 Most Wanted List

2

hollyweed sign in hollywoodFBI Director James Comey announced the artist who replaced the two ‘o’s’ on the Hollywood sign to read Hollyweed is now on the 10 most wanted list by the federal department.

Bristol Palin: “Darn Liberal Singer Blaming Dick Cheney For Her Singing”

0

After Mariah Carey’s snafu performance News Years Eve, Bristol Palin criticized the liberal singer after Carey blamed Dick Clark Productions. However, Palin thought it was Dick Cheney Productions as she [proceeded to call out the singer for blaming the former American Vice-president.

Dick Cheney Found Alive At 75 Years Old

0
Vice President Dick Cheney, speaks at the 50th anniversary celebration of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, Thursday, April 10, 2008, in Washington. Bush administration officials from Vice President Dick Cheney on down signed off on using harsh interrogation techniques against suspected terrorists after asking the Justice Department to endorse their legality, The Associated Press has learned. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

As we reach the end of 2016, many celebrities and famous died, but Dick Cheney was not one of them. The mostly artificial man with multiple heart surgeries and a dozen other advanced science procedures.

Trump Offers To Give Alaska Back To Russia As Apology For Obama

0

trump banning burning the flag“I’m hugely sorry for having to deal with Obama and his outrageous actions towards Russia,” Donald Trump told reporters. “I will give Alaska back to Russia if they want it. Putin knows I mean it and am super sorry See you soon, Vladimir.”  

Hillary Clinton: “If People Liked Me Half As Much As Princess Leia, I’d Be President”

0

princess leia carrie fisher and hillary clintonFamed Star Wars actress and novelist, Carrie Fisher, died Tuesday several days after a heart attack on a flight from London to Los Angeles. The 60-year-old was known for her role as Princess Leia in the Star Wars saga and the daughter of two Hollywood actors.

Trump Tweets “Reagan Kept His ‘Die Hard’ Executive Producer Credit While President So I Keep My ‘The Apprentice’ EP Credit, only on NBC!”

0

trump die hard credits and the apprentice President-elect Donald Trump will keep his Executive Producer credit on the upcoming season of The Celebrity Apprentice with host Arnold Schwarzenegger. Some critics argue the President should not be making a huge sum of money off a reality TV show while more important situations are ongoing.