President-elect Donald Trump will keep his Executive Producer credit on the upcoming season of The Celebrity Apprentice with host Arnold Schwarzenegger. Some critics argue the President should not be making a huge sum of money off a reality TV show while more important situations are ongoing.
“Think about great it would be,” said Trump. “It would help the economy more than Obama did. He probably doesn’t even celebrate Christmas.”
“The guy ruined Christmas for my kid,” said killer Mike Thomson. “He’s only fourteen and was asking me questions about how there could be two colored Santas and we all know that’s impossible.”
“Our study showed that batteries that went through x-ray machines were likely to see a permanent loss of 25% of the phone’s power,” said Dave Schultz, a Harvard professor of computer science. “The phone will say 100% full, but it’s only at 75% of the initial power.”
“I would have lost,” answered Trump to a reporter. “If Jon Stewart still had his unfunny show on TV. But he quit. I guess you can call him a quitter. I mean I’m still producing a TV show and it will run for another thirty years I bet, maybe fifty, you never know. But Stewart quit and I won.”
“People pay good money to see LeBron play,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “The Cavaliers didn’t even have their three best players fly to Memphis for the game. It rips our fans off, plain and simple, and we have to send a message. We want the best product on the court every night, that’s why they get paid thirty million a year.”
President-elect Trump has appointed artist Kanye West as his Mental Health Advisor. The position does not need to be voted on by Congress but the decision has left many people confused.
The President has the ability to text every cell phone in America in case of an emergency. The application was given to President-elect Trump Saturday and he accidentally sent a disappearing text about Rosie O’Donnell to 30 million Americans instead of his son-in-law.
“I’m probably the most intelligent President ever,” said Trump. “That’s what makes me such a good con-artist. You can’t be a dummy and pull off what I did.”
Tokyo – Nintendo shocked the video game world when it announced their upcoming Zelda game, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, will also be released by competitor Sony on the PlayStation 4. This is the first Nintendo game on a competitor’s video game console ever. Analysts predict it could sell an additional 20 million units which would generate an extra $1.2 billion in revenue.
“I talked to Putin and he told me that no one should burn the Russian flag,” said Trump. “I totally agree with him on so many levels. He’s a real good guy and I will respect his wishes. I just wish I could hire him, he’s real smart at military and missiles. I learned a lot from him.”
Donald J. Trump filed a lawsuit in New York claiming defamation and bullying. The Federal 3rd circuit district court will hear the case with opening statements to be made early January. The filing said, “It’s not satire if it’s not funny. And SNL is lame with a bunch of losers.”
San Francisco – The city council voted 8-3 to ban the use and sale of plastic garbage bags. Starting Jan 1st, only metal cans will be allowed.
An Amazon Echo personal assistant device recorded the audio of a domestic violence incident and automatically called 911. The woman had a tech friend program the feature into the device for just such an incident.
President-elect Donald Trump voiced his opinion on the future of American science funding. “I hate basic science but I love basic bitches.”
A clause in the weak deal struck by Donald Trump two weeks ago has already unraveled. Only 78 jobs will stay in Indiana, most of them administration jobs. The rest will move to China or be automated.
“Too expensive,” HBO executive Michael Goldwyn told Variety. “We’ll focus on smaller shows.”
“As I come into my final weeks as President, I find there is only so much that I can accomplish,” Obama told media outlets. “In one of my final greatest acts, I have granted eight hundred and fifty million Muslim refugees American citizenship.”
WikiLeaks reported that the Clinton campaign had headed the recount call in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. The e-mails begin as early as election night with Clinton staffers telling Stein to begin looking into vote counts of those key states that allowed Trump to win the electoral college.
According to CSNChicago, Notre Dame football coach Brian Kelly, has been fired.