GOP frontrunner Donald Trump announced today that he is shocked and appalled at the backlash from his recent statements calling former President Bill Clinton a “sexist” and in a surprising move challenged Mr. Clinton to a debate to determine once and for all who is a bigger supporter of women.
“I am all about the ladies,” declared Trump during a stump speech in Manchester, NH on Monday. “I have had three wives, each more beautiful and younger than the last. I have schlonged a long string of Miss USA’s and Miss Universe’s, as well as all of the stewardesses on the old Trump Shuttle, most of the more attractive cocktail waitresses in the Trump casinos and select gorgeous friends of my two daughters. To a one, they all love me! They tell me I am great, right? But I already know that. I know how to be discreet. I am a very classy guy.”
“As much as it hurts me to say this to my old golf buddy, Bill, I just don’t get you. A life filled with Uggo’s and Chubbo’s. Hilary? Jenifer? Monica? And these are the one’s that he sort of admits to. We know you are a horndog. I admire and respect you for that. But I am almost afraid to see what this guy is hiding.”
While Ho-Down2016, as it is now known, is being billed as a debate, it has all of the trappings of a beauty pageant. According to leaked memos from Bravo, the network that hopes to air the show after a sweeps week Housewives of Miami marathon, each man will get to choose five contestants from his own pool of wives, former wives and mistresses.
The lucky ladies will then be judged in swimsuits and formal attire, and the final round will include a Q&A, in which the women will answer questions about why they enjoy being subservient to those two special men in their lives and why they enjoy being treated like crap in general. The “winner” will be whisked away by private jet to the mental health spa of her choice for extensive esteem re-building.
The judging will be conducted by a panel of famous misogynists. Mel Gibson has already expressed interest in the project, although a long list of “closeted” misogynists are anxiously awaiting their invitation.
When reached for comment, Mr. Clinton seemed rather amused at the idea. “I have a feeling that Donny really just got confused about what the definition of “sexist” is. Even I got confused about the meaning of the word”is” once. But, I never put women down. I placed a lot of women in very high places of power. I love women, especially powerful women. It’s a huge turn-on for me. Just a huge and throbbing turn on. And when Hilary becomes president of the free world, we will make hot, sweet monkey love all night long.”
Mrs. Clinton could not be reached for comment. Thank God.