A scientific cause for Donald Trump’s domination in the race for the Republican Presidential nomination may have been discovered. In a paper presented this morning at the Center for Disease Control’s (CDC) monthly update, it was proposed that many Trump supporters have been exposed to higher than average levels of lead throughout their lifetimes, thus creating the perfect conditions for the rise of a candidate like Trump.
Mary Carvelle, MD, the lead investigator cited a conversation overheard at a pediatric conference in the fall. “There were several doctors discussing the odd coincidence of the large number of children they were testing for lead poisoning all being brought to their appointments by parents or grandparents wearing Trump hats and t-shirts. It was also observed that these same adults were the ones who were often the most hostile and perplexed, generally causing commotion in the waiting room, disturbing the staff and the other patients.”
“We were quickly able to assemble a new protocol, offering the adults free lead screenings in exchange for completing a five-question survey about their presidential preferences. An overwhelming number accepted our offer and our preliminary findings seem to back up our initial hunch. We found that the adult Trump supporters had 3 to 5 times the amount of lead in their bloodstreams above the current “safe” level, as well as exhibiting many of the known signs of lead poisoning such as irrational behavior, irritability, and confusion.”
Get the Lead Out
Dr. Carvelle continued, ”There is still hope for these people. Depending upon the length of exposure, many of these cases can be cured through simple measures such as removing the exposure threats, all the way to more intensive measures such as chelation therapy. I also must remind you that we have looked at just a small sample of the general population, so more research is needed. However, I do remain hopeful that with proper care, these people can return to normal cognitive function.”
When asked for comment, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus responded, “Although we Republicans are generally not too happy when a problem can be solved with science, we are sure glad that this mystery has been cleared up. Now if only we had the $150 million back from Jeb Bush’s failed campaign. We could have sure used that money for expensive chelation therapy. Hmm, wait. I wonder if that’s covered by Obamacare?”