The Christmas alternative holiday made famous by Frank Costanza on the hit TV show Seinfeld, Festivus, has been a real life celebration since 1997.
Researchers are studying the alarming rise in anal related injuries. Possible conjectures are, first, more people celebrate the holiday. Second, the holiday may be morphing into a more intense, mature fake religion.
As alcohol and friends become a larger part of the festivities, more wild and crude behavior is likely. “Think of it like a frat party,” said John Hopkins researcher Evan Edwards. “It began as a band of brothers and over time morphed into debauchery and douchebaggery. That is what’s happening to Festivus.”
Surprisingly, only 43% of the anal injures involve the Festivus Pole. The airing of grievances caused 15%, and the feats of strength caused 43%. Half of all anal injuries are accidental. With the average Festivus follower being 30 years old, maybe it’s not shocking.
The holiday of Festivus needs to be more regulated before people start dying and it becomes just a regular religious get together.
Festivus For The Best Of Us
“The holiday is getting a bit out of hand, but it’s sure fun as hell,” said Festivus devotee Sean Randle. “I understand a little ass play, but the increase in emergency visits is scary and uncalled for.”
Hospitals are now prepared for Festivus related accidents and want to see the community make the holiday safe for all.
“Please be aware, don’t share things that have already been in someone else’s ass and if you must share, please sterilize the object(s),” said Boston Medical Center Trauma Center president Bobby Orr. “Festivus should be a fun, exciting alternative to Christmas, not a bloody anal crime scene.”
A happy Festivus and anal bleeding to all!