The Oregon militia standoff may be coming to an end as members begin complaining about the rationing of the final cases of Coors Light.
“I believe in the cause, but I also believe in getting drunk,” Buck Jones told the Los Angeles Times. “When I showed up I immediately knew these weren’t going to be enough beers. I didn’t think they would even last a week. So, I’m packing it up and going back to Alabama.”
The FBI had cut off the militias beer supply and it seems to be working. They are still allowing water and food to pass through, but morale is purely based on the beer supply.
Tom Polaris, from Wisconsin, said, “Without being drunk, this whole thing doesn’t even make that much sense. Plus, football playoffs are starting, so it’s not good timing for me.”
The takeover of Oregon’s Malheur National Wildlife Refuge refuge began with one hundred 30-rack cases of Coors Light, and experts estimate they could be down to their last 300 beers. “They probably only have another two or three days worth of beer. They can make it another five or six days with their whiskey bottles but after that, playtime will be over and many will go back home,” said Robert Silverman, President of a Washington think tank.
As with every army or militia since the dawn of time, food and drink are crucial for people to fight for your cause and you can’t drink bullets. No word on how they expected to live without woman but that’s another story to investigate.
“They brought enough weapons to take over a small country, but your army is only as good as your food and booze supply,” said Silverman. “And they greatly underestimated their needed beer supply.”
On the militia invitation to Burn, Oregon, it explicitly stated to bring beer, but many in the group didn’t read the entire thing; hence, the unexpected beer predicament facing the standoff.
FBI veteran William Haynes told CNN, “Organizing standoffs are always difficult. When rednecks with guns are involved it always comes down to Bud Light, Miller Light, or Coors Light. In this case, Coors Light will be their downfall and it should end the standoff with a peaceful conclusion.
“Reminds me of the Iranian Olympic standoff when it ended after they ran out of falafels.”