Premier Election Solutions (Diebold Election Systems Inc.) announced today that all of its new voting machines purchased for the upcoming presidential elections will come equipped with emesis bags. The bags, more commonly known as “barf bags,” will be available for voters in predominantly Republican districts who can’t leave the voting booth without vomiting over their ultimate choice for the highest office in the land.
“We have often considered other aids for voters, such as nose plugs, so that in bad years they don’t have to physically hold their noses while they vote, thus slowing down the process and creating longer lines,” said Premier spokesperson Adele Larson-Schultz, “but this election cycle has created unique challenges for our clients. It was a huge problem this latest primary season and moving forward, many Republican voters are going to have an agonizing decision when they head to the polls. Let’s face it, while Donald Trump is reviled by pretty much everyone outside of his shrinking base, a vote for Hillary Clinton is going to seem downright scary to these folks. Put yourself in their shoes; you would have to be insane if the thought of voting for either of them didn’t make you physically ill.”
Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee Chair has enthusiastically endorsed the $800 million dollar project. “Mr. Diebold has long been a proud supporter of the Republican Party and we are happy that he has come up with such a brilliant solution for our present difficulties. You know it’s kind of amazing but those crazy Democrats, in the end, seem to be happy with their candidate. Except for the extreme, real weirdos who will now switch to Trump, most of the Bernie people will probably vote for Hillary. They will even do it rather enthusiastically and they will get out the vote. “
“Many Republican voters, on the other hand, saw this primary season as a fight to the death. The Trump people hated the Cruz people; the Cruz people hated the Trump people. If we want the party to get behind Mr. Trump and actually get them to pull the Republican lever in the voting booth, we are going to have to make it as easy as humanly possible. Many have already expressed their extreme disgust. I can tell you that even looking at pictures of Trump makes me gag, so we expect that many Republican voters will have a tough time not tossing their cookies when they cast their ballots in November.”
Premier has designed each new booth with a small shelf that will hold a Kleenex type box that will store 1000 disposable sick bags. It will also be selling a retro-fix kit for most of its existing voting machines. Each local polling place will be responsible for providing proper disposal of the bags, but as one election commissioner remarked: “at least they don’t need diapers… or maybe they do. We’ll look into it.”
