It’s time to have that talk with your kids. You’ve made it through the denial, the anger, the bargaining, and the depression; you’ve finally accepted that your kids will never be as cool as Kim Kardashian’s kids. It doesn’t matter what Indonesian folk song you used as your child’s name, your kid’s name is garbage compared to Saint or North. But you already know these things.
You’re here because you want to be a good parent and need to tell your child how lame they are compared to the spawn of Kanye.
Step one: Make sure the child knows it’s not their fault. Somewhere deep down, you knew it, they knew it, everyone knew. But now is not the time to berate your child for being a loser, life will do that to them plenty; be supportive for now.
Step two: Choose your words carefully This is something I had a lot of trouble with personally. Every time you see your child you’ll just want to call them a “fucking nerd” but you need to respect their feelings and empathize with them so you should call them a “moderate disgrace” instead.
Step three: Make sure your child knows that it is special, but not as special as the West kids Don’t let your child think beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, it only comes in two sizes, and both those sizes came from Kim K’s vagina. If your child shows you a drawing they made, tell them you saw North West draw it better on TMZ, you can still put it on the refrigerator but make sure to put it in a section labeled “not as good as Kanye’s kids.”
When your infant soils it’s diaper tell them Saint West is just better at shitting than they are, you can still put it on the refrigerator but make sure to put it in a section labeled “not as good as Kanye’s kids.”
Finally, we have reached a happy ending. Your kid now knows what a loser it is compared to the children of Kim Kardashian. And if your child ever doubts their own self-loathing, make sure to pop it in front of the TV so it can see its new Gods.
By Michael Fanning
